This One's for the Boys

Gentlemen, this is important. The following is a TRUE FACT:

The time every month which is blamed for female actions ranging from the slightly silly to the disturbingly psychotic is when OUR HORMONE LEVELS MOST RESEMBLES MALES’.

Emotionality during any time of internal chemical upheaval is to be expected, so a little moodiness or irritability is normal, but if men are not constantly bitchy and unpredictable there is no excuse for women to be when they have similar hormone levels. Which brings me to my second true fact:

WOMEN USE THEIR PERIODS AS AN EXCUSE FOR BAD BEHAVIOR AND THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.

A small percentage women have real medical disorders associated with their cycles, but most have simply been taught that it’s okay to act like raging psychopaths and then cutely blame it on PMS. Men, conversely, have been taught that the mention of a period means they have no right to object to any insanity, because they've never had one. They even feed into it with that stupid joke about “I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.” Don’t. Stop it now. 

Consider this: Women have never been kicked in the testicles but we know that A) it sucks, and B) only a real jerk acts that way. Therefore, men, all you need to know about periods is A) it sucks, and B) only a real jerk acts that way. Treating people badly is treating people badly, whether you’re full of estrogen, testosterone, Vodka, or dark chocolate, and there is no excuse for it. Periods have appeared with tidal regularity since before we were even proper humans and to say now that it is what makes a woman act badly is to say that being a woman is what makes a woman act badly. 

  

Women, is that really the message you want to send? Men, if a girl in your life does something of uncalled-for nastiness, or stupidity, or greed, and blames it on her period, CALL HER ON IT. Tell her why. All humans have to exercise self control and common decency. You’re not a spiteful space cadet stuffing ice cream in your face because you have to pee in front of other dudes in public restrooms, and that’s way more inconvenient than a period. 

Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?

Ah, a new season. Today we celebrate the first official spider sighting of the year. This is the first half of a two part holiday which opens spring (the second half is the first official spider INDOORS, which you will know by the sound of twelve-year-old girls everywhere screaming).


As irrational phobias go, spiders are pretty high on the list of usual suspects, along with snakes, heights, and general insect life. Airplanes, needles, small spaces, and social anxiety may also pad out the roster, depending on your source, and we've all seen that poor redhead on Glee who has the OCD-level germ issues. Don't lie, you've seen Glee. You LIKED Glee, even if you also wanted to throw Slurpees at all those nauseatingly talented kids for being so damn cheerful (and even if you are a man and had to immediately go eat a steak and urinate outdoors to earn back those man points).


I should also mention that there is a difference between a fear and a phobia. A fear is "I drive ten hours to visit my parents because I hate flying, but when we vacation in Europe I have a couple margaritas and a Xanax and we get there okay." A phobia is "I cannot go anywhere that can't be reasonably accessed by car/train/bus, because the mere idea of flying renders me a gelatinous mass of cold sweat and exposed nerves." 


So, the spiders. Spiders have no place in a wholesome world. I know they eat mosquitoes, blah blah blah, but I would also add, I do not care. Spiders are delicate, fanged scraps of nightmare that are even now assembling their annual Committee on Being Disgusting. The one in the stairwell up to my apartment (designated Spider Zero as the first official case of the upcoming epidemic) will creep in as I sleep to digest me inside my skin, and I will wake up as a bag of human soup. 



Okay, maybe I will not wake up looking like Tollund Man, but that doesn't make the heebie-jeebies go away. As crippling phobias go, arachnophobia is not really too bad, especially since I live in an area where they do not grow to the size of beagles like in Hawaii or South America. They live outdoors, I live indoors, we seldom venture into each other's territory and this is an acceptable truce. Granted, when we do encounter one another (or I see a picture, or sometimes even read the word spider), it isn't pretty, but it's certainly not as disruptive as a phobia of something more frequently encountered, like dogs (cynophobia), public speaking (glossophobia), or dirt (mysophobia). Attics, basements, and forests are tricky places but at least I don't pass out at the sight of a podium and or have to wash my hands sixty times a day (OK, I do, but that's because I work in a hospital). 


Theoretically you can be phobic of literally anything, although fortunately most people are not. My two personal favorites are defecaloesiophobia, which is fear of bowel movements and must be a really, really uncomfortable affliction, and arachibutyrophobia - Greek roots, anyone? That's right, the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. God love the shrink who had to come up with that one.


Maybe you have a similar Achilles heel - your child can't enter a darkened room, or your mom can barely go up a flight of stairs without feeling queasy, or your brother faints when he gets a shot. Maybe the very word SNAKE on this page makes those funny little fingers of hot ice run up your spine. 


I'm going to go wash my hands.

Suspicious Noises

Now we play a game called "Why does my computer make that grinding noise?" It is closely related to the other game I play called "Why does my car make that hammering noise?" So far, I am losing both games. In fact, even if I win both games by discovering the mysterious source of these noises, I still lose because I will have to get them fixed. 


My computer-repair expertise is usually limited to repairing whatever software issue I personally have created, and with cars to looking in need of adult assistance next to a car with the hood raised. In my own defense, I can change headlights, taillights, batteries, tires, etc., but the steaming-radiator-clunking-throttle-suspicious-piston-sound level of trouble is beyond me. I can also hard reset like nobody's business, but the Blue Screen loooves me.


The last time I witnessed a computer make an odd noise, it was followed by a puff of smoke (true story) and a very surprised look on the face of the Geek Squad woman holding it. Almost worth the cost of replacing a laptop, that time.


Now, because I am hemorrhaging money to my Well-Respected Nursing Program, I cannot replace either computer or car should either noise prove to be more than merely vaguely concerning, but am consoled by the image of the cosmic "why does my ____make that _____ noise" game as a giant exhibition of The Price is Right, some cheerful announcer spinning a wheel that lands on "car" and dropping a Plinko token that lands on "transmission" and then shouting,


"Come on doooown!...No, really lady, come away from that thing before it explodes."